To the friends who left
When I decided to write this I wasn’t sure if there was anything to say till I saw a poem I wrote to you in 2018.
It’s two years later and I’m still wrapped in ignorance on how and why we went from ‘Besties' to ‘If I see her in the market, I could actually hide’.
Truth is, I still miss you. I miss the joy from knowing I had that one person I didn’t need a mask to talk to. I miss that I didn’t need words to communicate with you on days my heart is too heavy and dumbness overshadows me.
I miss how we would just sit on the floor and just cry after a terrible day. How pain didn’t divide us. How joy didn’t interrupt the vulnerability we shared. How success to us never had a specific pronoun prefix.
Recently I had an experience, that had me absolutely uninterested in communication with my closest people. Mostly because they know me too much not to notice I wasn’t okay and I didn’t have words to explain why.
Then I remembered you and how heartbreaking it was when I felt ‘Ghosted' and how I never for once thought of the possibility of you being in that kind of situation. It was all about me! They say (just me says this, to be honest), it takes experience to fully understand a situation and they (I am😁) were right.
I have grown to understand that life throws at us certain conditions that takes away our control over anything. Yes, I’m no longer such a control freak. It’s hard but I’m learning that some situations are beyond my control and that’s just okay.
So, I’m here to apologize for being selfish. For converting our friendship to an investment. ‘I invest my ‘care' and you give me returns' It seemed like you were in a perfect condition and absolutely deserted me because I wasn’t exactly where we had planned I would be.
I’m sorry I didn’t just call to ask about you without throwing the ‘That’s how you forgot me' line around. Shit happens to everyone and I wish I wasn’t so absorbed in mine to see yours.
I guess if I had come to terms with the fact that the expiration of a friendship isn’t such a bad thing earlier I would have reacted differently without holding on to this grudge for so long.
I have learnt how friendship isn’t a game or a battle for attention but a safe room we run to when the world is too heavy. A cave we can both hold each other’s hands and just stay because words are not enough.
Friendship isn’t a glass we have to guard with our lives because it is so fragile but a rod we both hold on to because we are both fragile.
So, when I start wishing you reached out at least once, I remind myself that some friendships are not everlasting and that is okay. I remind myself to stop stealing glances of the past and hold on to the people in the moment. I remind myself of the good times and how it served as a foundation for the beautiful friendships I have now.
We might never get to talk about this but I just hope this last letter does the trick and I remember you without thinking ‘Here lies a friend that forgot I existed'
All Picture Credit: Unsplash