The Subtle yet not Subtle art of Self Sabotage
Wiping away past trophies from existence
Recently, one of my spoken words recording popped up somewhere and I couldn’t help but notice how it made me cringe.
Throwback to over a year ago. On initial recording, it was such a personal hit. It was top on the table of all I had written at that time. I had a lot of people tell me how relatable it was and how encouraged they were after listening to it.
So, it’s quite weird I can’t listen to it without literally shutting out my own voice. Weird but not surprising.
I have this destructive attitude to what I create when time comes between the present moment and time of creation. I just can’t stand reading or listening to it regardless of how excellent it seemed at a time. I read it over and over again till it’s relevance fades away into my air of scrutiny.
I’m my biggest critic.
I don’t know if this is a toxic trait (of course it is😂) but it helps me come to a blank page like someone who has never written before to give it her best shot.
It makes me insensitive to the process and progress of my writing.
It helps me search out corners that haven’t been explored on my creativity street.
It takes away hindsight when I’m in my room of creation.
I’m more occupied with questions like ‘Why do I want to write this?’ ‘How does this affect the reader/listener?’ ‘Does this even make sense?' ‘Would people want to really read this?’ ‘Is this relatable?’ ‘Should I even publish this?’ and less of ‘Why did people read/not read the last article?’ ‘What keywords helped with the last story?’ ‘What level of energy did the last performance go on?’
It’s almost like I wipe off every past memory. As much as this might help the quality of what I create and prevent a tautology of pattern in my writing and performance, it doesn’t help me enjoy the process.
Truth is today’s excellence can(‘can' not ‘always’) loose value and become trash because the most excellent is yet to be created and that’s a difficult pill to swallow.
As a writer, photographer, graphic designer and a creative in general, your first works are not things you are proud of but that doesn’t invalidate that they were stepping stones to the excellence you are creating today.Of which, this present excellence is a stepping stone to another. This is another hard pill to swallow.
Embracing the truth that the masterpiece you are creating will one day be down the chart is not an easy one.
Imagine putting in so much work into creating a painting, and in a year you can’t stand looking at.
I guess my defense mechanism has been to just wipe off the entire timeline and remove all evidence of a perceived crime of not creating ‘a piece that can travel through infinite universes’.
Today, I realized I need to take a decision to enjoy this creating journey regardless of how uncertain the relevance is.
Trying to maximally enjoy it’s present relevance and be glad for it’s existence when it begins to sound like okoto in my ears.
Remind myself of how much magic it is (resisting the urge to use ‘was’).
Remind myself of how success is a journey.
Remind myself that relevance is like the hands of a clock, moving forward in time but still hitting the same numbers over and over again.
This change in thought pattern will definitely not happen in a day but writing this is a first step I’m glad for.
Update, I actually listened to it again and appreciated how much of a work of art it is.😍😍
You can watch it here https://youtu.be/l9pQd0-P-3c
All Images from Unsplash
