The Endless Search for Contentment
On turning 25
A few weeks ago, I was faced with a question from my favorite podcast, ISWIS: ‘Are you content with your life?’
Tonight, I’m faced with the same question, and I have decided to write my probably off-the-rail response.
When I was 13, I wanted to study psychology because I was fascinated by how the human mind works and how therapists were depicted in movies. In my probably tiny 13-year-old voice (who am I kidding, I’ve never had a tiny voice), ‘I wanted to help people’. But, in that moment, all that mattered to me was passing my junior WAEC exams, and I toiled day and night. (Which ended up being a waste of time, but who’s asking?) Let’s just say this was the beginning of my journey with academic validation because the tiny pockets of joy had me wanting more.
At 15, I decided I wanted to become a doctor. My biggest hurdle and the bane of my existence then was not just passing but acing my WAEC. (I was already neck-deep in the pool of academic validation.) And, on those days, it felt like I was in a constant state of ‘Soul-wailing’ waiting to stop holding my breath when I got my desired grades. I remember the pure joy and feeling of satisfaction.
At 22, I was neck deep in medical school with two professional exams that rendered every exam I had done in my entire life an absolute walk in the park.
I remember finishing my first professional exam and saying, ‘I miss myself’ and a senior replied, ‘This is just the beginning’ And boy was he right, because three years later, I still feel like there are parts of myself I can never recover. Things I can never go back from. Stories I can’t untell. Paths that have alternated the person that I am.
At 24, I was preparing for my final professional exam about becoming a doctor, looking back at my 13-year-old self and laughing at how much she was stressing when the worst was yet to come.
I remember finding out I had passed my final exams and how relieved I was.
I turn 25 today and became a doctor a few days ago, and all I feel for that little girl is empathy and hope (and maybe envy). Yes, the worst days are yet to come, but she’s also about to have some pretty awesome days.
She still has the chance to read her favorite books for the first time and pace around the house in excitement because that was exactly what she needed. She still has the chance to meet her soul sister for the first time and cry ugly tears when she reads her first birthday letter from her, which grows to become a tradition. She still gets to try Shawarma for the first time.
And you know what? I might feel very ill-prepared for the coming days and be sometimes overwhelmed by the expectations I set for myself, but time will still pass and days will come and go.
They’ll come in different shapes and forms. They’ll come as moments. Happy-scream-till-I-lose-my-voice moments. Watch-an-amazing-movie-that-has-me-in-tears moments. Sad-ugly moments. Embarrassing moments. Proud moments. I’ll have them all because that’s how life is: you have good days and you have bad ones.
And how about, for a moment, we believe we are exactly where we need to be? Is there a better one? Yes. And that’s not because of our insufficiency; that’s because there’ll always be better. As long as we’re all still here, they’ll always be better than the life we’re presently living. Why spend your entire life reaching for a life that is ahead of you, missing out on the sparks of joy in the present?
Back to the question: Am I content with my life? I don’t think I will ever be fully. It’s that lack of contentment that drives me to do and want better for myself. But it is also that lack of contentment that cripples me in fear So, my one goal this year is to hold myself in expectation, but also with gentleness and kindness. To treat my life like an adventure and not a project. To live a full life, one day and a moment at a time.
Cheers to 25, and yes, expect an induction essay soon.
