This is incomplete
I ended last year with a rant on my insta story about how I was afraid about the new year.
I’ve spent a great deal of these last few months finding escape in the ten seasons of the legendary ‘Smallville’.
When I’m having a really bad day (which has been often, unfortunately), I find solace in the fact that I’ll get back home to soak in the story of how a farm boy- ‘Clark Kent’ from Smallville becomes the hero faster than a bullet; the renowned ‘Superman’.
During one of my hiding yesterday, my life problems caught up with me in the 4th episode of the last season, where Clark had to face his greatest challenge; Self-doubt.
I’ve long accepted that my battle with self- sabotage might just be till I hit 6 feets under. I’ve tried to fight. I’ve tried, trust me. But I always lose, because, I always lose sight of what is worth fighting for.
I must have the record of ‘Bearer of the most shortlived self confidence’. For someone who constantly plunges into activities, projects and anything that would contribute to social change, and someone whose passion sometimes burns so much it literally hurts, I don’t get it. How can someone who is so intentional about growth become ‘Thomas’ at the sight of extention?
Why is it always so hard to see good in myself when I never have to squit to see it in other? Why doesn’t my kindness extend to myself?
So, what prompted me to write this? I was scrolling through Instagram (another escape), when I saw another gateway to my problem pile.
We talk a lot about the role of faith in achieving things, but I also believe in the power of doubt, especially here.
When I still used to engage in the ritual of writing down all the things I wanted and didn’t want in a new year at the beginning of the year on different papers and have the ‘didn’t want’ burnt in fire. Yes, actual flames.
Doubt was always in the list that got burned. Every. Single. Year.
And years after, I still struggle with it. Strongly.
Doubt mostly in myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to a point of absolute self confidence. I envy people who can see the light in their lives long enough to believe it’s actually there.
What is most tragic is how this constant battle with self doubt has configured how I see myself. Broken and insufficient. It’s hard to see yourself completely when you constantly look through the lens of doubt.
This isn’t even about people. It’s me.
Doubt is like a pungent smell, it sits heavy over the mind and corrupts everywhere and everything. If it stays long enough, it begins to smell like default till you step out and realise you’re actually trapped.
The most ravaging thing about doubt is how is pulls you back and just erases any imagination of greatness. Just. Like. That. You are back to seeking for affirmations to not feel like shit and on the never ending search for motivation.
I don’t think we are expected to be confident all the time. Like happiness, confidence is a woman of her own. No one can tell her what to do or where to go.
How long is required before you begin a search party when she has been gone for so long and you’ve become master of pretence and hiding the emptiness behind ‘No dey whine me’?
What do you when you can no longer pretend and the mask is worn out?
I’ve been blessed with people who constantly remind me why I deserve any form of love even in my most grotesque form. But, it’s how validation works, it needs renewal. I should probably sit by the tap forever at this point.
I don’t know what writing this will do, really. Another escape, I guess. I don’t know if things will ever get better. If you know a support group for my fellow sojourners,plug me in.