Life and it’s Lack of decency.
The inherent ability of life’s ‘Element of surprise’ to stick around.
Nothing lasts forever but at least we got these memories. – J. Cole
'Shey Kosi' is a Yoruba term that implies 'Are you alright?' or 'Are you fine' or 'Hope you haven’t lost it?' and if said in the right tone it can mean 'Hope you are not crazy?' Or just literally 'Hope nothing?' I learnt this term from my mother because she needed a perfect response to my constant wit and random burst of silliness. I use the term a lot because I have a lot of people with this same 'rare ability’.
But today, I used it on myself after I had hit that part where you engage in an excessive amount of self evaluation and your mind looses a string and winds up thoughts that aren't in anyway coherent.
I have done a great deal of going into myself lately. Searching for what’s broken. That’s what happens when you have over three months to yourself.
Today, I was thinking about how imbalanced life is and how life doesn't even have the decency to tell us when we are moonwalking into the shitty section in our attempt to dance with insurmountability.
Life just happens. Without any prior warning. It doesn't care if you are in the middle of getting to that position you've always wanted and need all your shit together. It doesn't give a hoot if you are so close to ticking off that 'once upon a time seemingly impossible accomplishment' off your life goal. No! It just hits you like a bowling ball into a group of innocently standing and absolutely unaware bottles.
It just really sucks how oblivious we are when certain uncontrollable mishap befalls us.
Except in cases of sicknesses, death comes without warning. Even some illnesses are so unexpected. Who am I kidding? The entire 2020 is a perfect example. 'A-Serial-Killer-Disgiused-As-Weeks-And-Months'
On these bad days and months, maybe, there is this enticing temptation to dine with self sabotage. It’s an almost impossible outcome. When you hit that period of chaos where you can’t hear your own voice shouting for quiet, you simply start blaming yourself for not being loud enough and that’s really unfair to your poor little vocal cords that have hit the limit.
Wallowing in self pity, sadness, pain and constantly beating yourself up just always seems like the only option. I mean, what else am I to do when I mess up with an opportunity or duty (or duties) and there is no redemption in sight? Buy myself chocolate pizza to celebrate? Or post a selfie on my WhatsApp status with a '#selflove' Caption? Of course I'll hate myself and wish I could walk into peoples brains and pick out memories with me in it and reappear as a new girl on the block; a chance to redemption. I'll definitely wish I had a time machine and stop myself from ever believing I could handle all of this, save myself from swallowing that pill that made me believe I was 'Wonder Woman With a glasses on''.
To be honest, it sucks and I really think we need heads up before these things happen. (That's a direct shade 'Life')
Someone once said 'You are not your bad days' and I really want to tell you that hearing this will magically make anyone feel better but that's a lie. It just puts things in perspective. That means I'm not my good days either because I don't think picking what days define me is fair.
Having a mixture of bad, good, mid, exciting, happy, 'one kain' days is what makes up this collage called life. I'm not any of these days. Yes, I can't totally predict what new tricks life has up it's sleeve and that's okay. As terrifying as these bad days are what is most terrifying is missing the awesome days because I'm stuck looking at my entire life through the lens of my mistakes and mess ups.
As much as I'll own this bad decisions and my error, I'll constantly remind myself this is not who I am. I'm not cursed with messing things up because I messed up this one(or multiple) time.
Life might have a crazy humor but no audacity to blur the lens through which I view my entire life by hanging regret on my frame. I won't give it that power. I'll let these vocal cords rest, they've projected loud enough. It's time to sit and just listen.
IMAGE CREDIT Unsplash
