Abolishing The ‘oughts’
As a child, I had the habit of waiting outside the gate of our compound for my mother to return from work in the evening. I would wait for a few minutes before my memorised time of her arrival and run outside to avoid missing the chance of welcoming her home. With excitement I would shout 'mummyyyy' and give her a hug and take her bags.
As an adult, I can only imagine the pocket of joy that would have given her. After a long day at a 9-5, miles away from home and subjected to the horrendous traffic in Lagos. Going home to a 7 year old who wears your face like it's hers with open arms would have been a delight.
I can't remember why or how I started it. I just remember making it a practice till the day it stopped after throwing punches at a boy on the street for calling me 'Orobo' repeatedly even after warning him he would regret it. (Yes, in those words)
I remember my mother’s laughter turning to a print of boiling rage on her face as we crossed the gate coming from a visit to the boy’s mother. She dragged me in and reported me to my father who I strongly believe held pride in his palms as he gave me strokes of cane that were more gentle than the regular. That’s how I knew. I think he was proud I stood up for myself. Glad I had some form of understanding of the concept of 'not allowing anyone walk over you’.
I'm 24 today (Eishhhhh) and I still sometimes feel like that 7 year old me, constantly having to remind people they don't have the right to call me what I haven't called myself.
But as the years have swelled, as the hourglasses do their thing, I realise that the people who define me in absolutes have begun to grate on me in unbearable ways. What used to free me is now a trap; what was once a long corridor for me to stroll down is now an obstacle, the thing standing in my way. Some people want me maskless and consistent. Others want me masked and omissive. I’ve been that way to other people, too: terrified about the parts of them that fell outside of what I’d thought was possible—because it feels like turbulence sometimes, doesn’t it, when you’re convinced you’ve understood a person and then they act outside of that understanding? There, just like that: your perspective, in pieces. A disorientation.
-Eloghosa Osunde in Walk Worthy
People will always have expectations because that's just how the human mind works. Unfortunately, we internalise these expectations and not notice when we replace 'I want to' with 'I ought to'. We begin to wear a skin that isn't ours and answer to names that don't belong to us. Our voices tune to a rhythm our legs don't dance to.
We forget that even the language we speak was taught to us. We weren't born with preinstalled experiences or patterns. The way we all happen, collectively and as individuals, is a wonder.
What great disservice it is to attempt to box a wonder within the walls of expectations woven out of outfits you've outgrown. What great agony to live a life that isn't yours.
I've had a number of detachments from previous versions of myself that will find how I happen now, a great surprise. One thing they don't tell you about change, especially one happening within you, is how jarring it feels in the moment. How it feels like your lungs are giving out with every attempt to speak. How you'll wake up on some days and forget how you happen, left in utter disarray.
As gruesome as it is, staying the same is greater pain and one that never leaves. Hanging over your head, reminding you, you no longer belong here.
Life is a long series of pain, pleasure, joy, laughter, loss, gain, love, hatred, betrayal, friendship but one thing is sure, nobody has your exact experiences, nobody actually knows how it is to live your life. Always remember these when you are tempted to walk on a path that isn't yours.
A few mantras I now live by
1. Kindness is the ultimate superpower. To receive and to wield it is one of the beautiful things we get to experience.
2. Kindness is not niceness. To know the difference is even greater power.
3. Nobody might come save you but at least, let someone hold your hands while you try to save yourself.
4. People are horrible but no one is important enough to be the reason you lose your light.
5. Your feelings are valid! Always!
6. Fuck the patriarchy (I mean, as always)
7. Ice Cream can solve any problem
